His leaving forced me to face my feelings. I had gotten used to his presence. He was my friend, my confidant, and my playmate. He was the one who knew all my secrets, my weaknesses, my insecurities. I knew not to take him for granted, but I did. Why shouldn’t I take his presence for granted. Why shouldn’t I take his love for granted. Why shouldn’t I take for granted the fact that he would always be there for me. But now… he’s not.
I awaken in the morning… open my eyes, and his side of the bed is empty. I sit down for breakfast and his seat is empty. When coming home after work, I want to vent the days frustrations, but he’s not there to listen. I walk without him. I shop without him. Now I do everything without him and it feels so empty.
As the time for his departure approached, I would well up with tears, and I said to myself … what is wrong with you! It’s not the end of the world. You’ve lived alone before. In fact, you lived alone for 20 years before you married. You know how to take care of yourself! Get a grip! Then I became even more weepy. When friends asked when he was leaving, my eyes filled. I was so out of control.
Proclaiming one’s love makes one vulnerable, and that’s the last thing I want to be so some part of me holds on to the belief that I can have it both ways. I can “kinda” love him. I know I love him, but I don’t want him to know how much, because then he can take advantage. I don’t want to love him too much because then I can be hurt if we break up. Stop…. Enough already!
I’m in love with my husband. Now…. I’ve said it. I knew it but I didn’t proclaim it. I felt it and frequently said it to him. In the normal course of things, there is an assumption that we love our spouses or significant others, but we don’t dwell on it and don’t really think about it until something changes. Until we are forced to feel our feelings.
In 36 days, we’ll be reunited when I return home from the UAE.