One of the secrets to a long term marriage is avoiding secrets. Now, you probably think I mean that we shouldn’t keep secrets, but that’s not quite it. I mean don’t go looking for trouble or you may find it. So, I instinctively know not to go through pants pockets, or look at phone call logs and especially not to look through his email. But this morning I needed travel info for an upcoming trip so I scanned his email and found a punch to the gut.
He had received an email announcing the death of a lifelong and dear friend. I sit here reeling from the news and wonder why he did not tell me. In the world of married folk, we often bring our friends into the marriage and George was “his friend” who became “our friend”. Maybe he didn’t tell me because he is still processing the news. Maybe he thought I would be upset, or maybe he just forgot. In the end the only thing that matters is that we have lost another friend. It matters how I approach the subject with my husband, because if he is grieving, I need to tred lightly and respect his feelings.
It is so easy to intellectualize the whole death and dying thing. It is easy to sit around and talk about how we all have a short time on this earth and how we should appreciate the time we had together, but at the end of the day… we hurt. We miss. We care and we have to grieve. We have to regain our wind after being punched in the gut. Then we can move on.
Loosing friends really sucks.