I so wanted  to give you the “right” answer. I wanted to solve “it”. I wished we had the sage and wise answer. Of course the sage and wise answer is that “what you seek is within”.

In your individual hearts, you know whether this is the person that you want to be with. You know if you want to build a life with this person. You know whether you want to be a couple or single… whether you would deeply miss your partner if he/she were absent from your life. You know whether this person makes you better, or happier, or saner or calmer. You know it’s right when you look forward to ending your day together. You know it’s right when you discover something and the first person you want to share it with is your partner.

A relationship is not an intellectual decision. It’s totally emotional, but more importantly, the answer is intuitive. Both of you must want it to work, or it won’t. The answer is in your heart, your core… your spirit… your soul. You know the answer.

10 Things That Go a Long Way Towards Making it Work

-          Always, always consider the feelings of your partner

-          Remembering that words are as sharp as knives and cut just as deep

-          Treat your partner as you want to be treated

-           Do not assume your partner knows what is on my mind or in my heart

-          Listen with your heart

-          Speak in terms of feelings and not actions

-          Care for your partner

-          There is no ego in a relationship

-          Relax and play together

-          Love and friendship

Both of you must be honest…  first with yourself and then with one another. The real answer is that it will either work or it won’t and both represent a new beginning.  One caution…. don’t wait too long to discover what you already know.

Today, I can see and hear the rain falling off the roof. I can see and hear the tree branches swaying in the wind, and the chimes, though nice, are a distraction. They are unnatural. The winds and rain come in waves like the ebb and flow of the ocean. Some bursts of wind are stronger than others, and the tree branches sway like dancers on a dance floor.

Ultimately, I don’t know what Irene will bring, but right now… I’m enjoying her approach.

Stay tuned.

I sit here in anticipation and wonder what will actually occur. Will it be another “storm of the century”? Will it fizzle out and be no more than a nice summer rain? Then I realize that’s what makes life interesting. It’s the unknown. No one ever knows what the next moment will bring, and that is what adds excitement to life. The newscasters are able to play into our fear and excitement of the unknown. It’s like watching a scary movie when we sit in a dark theater anticipating the unknown.

This morning I observed that the birds had gone to wherever birds go before a storm and there were no insect sounds. I watched my husband gather all the loose items around the yard and appreciated having a protector.

We have a choice… we can hide under the covers and fear the unknown; we can sit in the window or on the porch and be awed by mother nature; or we can grab our surfboards and shoot the waves.

You choose.

We look back at our parenting and see many of the things we did wrong. We frequently ask ourselves “if only” I had done something else… would my children have turned out differently. “If only I had put my children before my career” “If only, I had dedicated more time”. We are full of “if onlys”. We also have the benefit of watching how our peers raised their children, and we learn from what we have read and many other influencers.

By the time we become grandparents, we have a much better sense of how to raise a child and our grandchildren get the benefit of that. These are some of the things we know

• our children are incredibly fragile
• everything we do to them shapes them
• being a parent is not a license to deliberately inflict physical or emotional pain
• a parent who cannot correct their child without yelling is out of control
• a parent who cannot correct their child without hitting is out of control
• no one, especially a parent, has the right to deliberately harm a child
• emotional pain is equally as bad as physical pain… but the marks are less visible
• when we tell our children they are fat, they are dumb, they will never be able to do better, they are too tall, too skinny, too short… we inflict pain, and we create that belief in them.
• kids are quick learners. if a parent smacks Justin because he hit James… then we are sending mixed messages
• kids understand emotions. If you tell Susan that teasing  Karen hurts her feelings, then Susan understands. If you tell Tony that tripping Larry at school embarrasses and humiliates Larry,  then Tony understands.
• the next time you catch yourself screaming, yelling, or smacking your child… just STOP… take a breath… apologize for hurting them… explain that no one, even you, has the right to deliberately hurt them… then explain why he/she should not have done X.
• When a parent’s response is to be out of control than the parent is teaching their child to be out of control.

Grandparents have learned that the best corrective tool is lots of love and understanding.

The next time you yell/smack/correct/punish your child, ask yourself if you could get the same result by talking and/or restricting activities.

“The  key is to maintain a positive, loving emotional environment while setting consistent rules and limits.”

— from The Children’s Hospital Guide to Your Child’s Health and Development, Children’s Hospital Boston

DC Triathlon 2011 - Water course

Who would  have thought a triathlon would be a good way to get over one’s fear of swimming!? But, it worked. Actually, my journey began with taking swimming lessons to see if I could master it enough to enter a triathlon, but after 3 months of lessons, I was better but not good enough. So my girlfriend and I decided to stop.

Then her daughter pushed, prodded, intimidated, cajoled and we got back to training. I should say I got back to worrying and experiencing extreme angst and anxiety. In fact, I can’t remember when I have ever experienced so much anxiety with the associated knots in my stomach right up to the morning of the event.

Then a funny thing happened. After I jumped into the water, I swam 200 meters and barely remember any of it. I stopped at the 200 meter mark to catch my breath and literally could not remember how I got there (fugue state?). All I remember was starting with the freestyle, then flipping into a backstroke and I had completed the first 200 meters.

This was a major turning point (literallly), because the first 200 meters was along the shore, but then  the course turned left towards

That’s me exiting water in orange bathing cap.

 the center of the river. When swimming along the shore, one has this belief that “worst case scenario”, I can always swim to the shoreline and get out, but once you turn left and head away from shore, it’s like there’s no turning back. Somewhere in my psyche, I found the nerve to “go for it”. Said thanks to the kayaker who let me hang on while I caught my breath and took off to the center of the river.

All the lessons slowly and gradually came back to me during the swim. I moved my thumb up the outer edge of my body to ensure that my stroke was right (as Megan taught me). I slowed my stroke so I would not get too winded (as Marsha taught me). I found my own pace (as Dennis taught me).  I relaxed and for the first time in 4 months of training, I was actually enjoying swimming. While doing the backstroke, I was looking up at the sky and noticing the birds, and felt they were accompanying me on this journey. Occasionally, I was bumped by other swimmers, and got water up my nose or in my mouth, but I kept going. Doing the backstroke made it harder to get my bearings, because I had to stop, turn, and look, but that was okay.  I was swimming and relaxing and enjoying.

I exited the water with a smile on my face and an  ”OMG I did it” in my heart. What a rush.

I placed my hand over my nose, jumped in and swam freestyle until I got tired then flipped over to a backstroke for 200 meters… just like I had been taught by Megan. At the 2oo meter mark, I grabbed onto a kayak and rested without even remembering the 200 meter swim to get there. The kayaker told me and three others that we could stay and catch our breath as long as we needed. His comments and demeanor were so gentle and reassuring and I was bolstered in knowing that I could complete the race. I thanked him and took off for the next 200 meters. I visited two more kayakers during my 800 meter swim, and each one was as wonderful as the first. Wish I could thank them again.

Megan showed up in my life about a week-and-a half prior to the triathlon when I was still wavering and afraid of swimming in open water. She is a young lady staying with my neighbor and in conversation I found she was also a swim coach and she immediately offered to help. In one session, she bolstered my confidence in my backstroke and taught me to swim for 200 meters and rest followed by another 200 meters and rest. She explained that the first 200 meters meant I had completed 1/4 of the race. The second 200 meter mark meant I had completed 1/2 of the race and so on. That is what got me through! They say there are no coincidences, and I am absolutely certain that she was put on my path at just the right time.

Stay tuned

I’ve always been active and was once a tennis rat, racketball rat, and biker rat, but never considered myself an athlete nor did anyone call me an athlete. That term has always been saved to indicate someone who is a professional, not us amateur wannabes. So I was impressed by the moniker and hoped no one discovered I was a fake.

I never really intended to do a triathlon (wim 8k; Bike 20k; Run 7.5k) . I only planned on learning how to swim, and in case I actually learned, then I would consider doing the TRI. In fact, three weeks ago, my girlfriend, Maureen, and I did a practice open water swim and jointly decided we were not ready and stopped training. I felt such relief at getting my life back and not having to spend all my spare time training so I put my swim bag into the closet. Then her daughter, Pam (Miss Ironman) talked her back into the TRI, and she inturn talked me back into it.

So suddenly the clock was reset and I was busy trying to figure out, or convince myself, that I could/should do it. She got me hooked when she said “if not now… never”. So, today I ran my first triathlon. Today I am an athlete.

I was getting anxious and excited about the possibility of doing a sprint triathlon and really ramped up my exercise routine. Went swimming Saturday, weight training on Monday and  walking on Tuesday. Shouldn’t have been a big deal, but I did too much weight on Monday causing back aches, but I got over that. It was the walking that got me. Now, you are asking why walking should be problematic. It’s because I’ve hooked up with two personal trainers who can’t run due to knee injuries, but walking for them is 1-click away from running. Runners average 7-8 minute miles, and we walk a mile in 10-11 minutes. Up until now, I’ve been able to keep up, but this week they added hills to the “walk”, and my knee complained very, very loudly. So, here I sit with a balloon-sized knee, which is preventing me from participating in my first practice triathlon. Oh well…

Really bummed…

I planned on attending but the weekend was full of conflicting activities (G’son, swim event, husband). I chose to go to the beach with my husband. It was the wrong thing to do and it was the right thing to do. It’s impossible to choose between two things that one wants without feeling guilty about the final choice. Should I take the PMP or the DAU procurement courses; should I grow my consulting business or take a job; should I do the triathlon or not)…… I want to do it all.

On the one hand, I should have chosen the grandkid, because he’ll only want to be with me for a few more years before he becomes a teenager and ditches me. On the other hand, my husband and I are getting up in age, and who knows how many more years we have together (morbid but true). On the other other hand, I really needed the swim practice in case I do a sprint triathlon this summer.

Having already had the real life experience of being ditched by my older, grown kids, I have real life experience with what happens as they age. I understand it, but I still don’t like it. I miss them. I understand that they are busy developing their own relationships, but I still miss them. I now have the opportunity to have a relationship with our youngest grandchild and I don’t want to miss out. So, I feel guilty that I chose G’dad over him while at the same time, I am enjoying the time with G’dad (even though he has now been away fishing for 3 hours). Choices… choices… choices.

The answer is in “what if I had a do-over”. Would I choose G’dad, G’son, or swimming. The answer is “I would chose G’son, because then I could still swim and G’dad will be just fine fishing.

Stay tuned….

As I am writing this from the living room of our condo overlooking the beach, I apparently chose the weekend at the beach with my husband. I’m still conflicted and feeling guilty while also feeling relaxed. He’s out fishing but I know he’ll be back soon. I can “feel” his presence nearby. Somewhere along the line over twenty-one years of marriage, we came to a place where we just want to be together… kinda like teenagers in their early dating years or like newlyweds. Don’t know when it happened… it just did. So, as he was packing to go away for a weekend of fishing and de-stressing, I just wanted to “be with him.” I changed all my weekend grandson and swim plans, packed my bag and off we went.

I remember my parents who after 49 years of marriage were totally and comfortably co-dependent. His memory was failing and her eyesight was failing, but together, he could drive and she told him which way to go. That’s synchronicity.

I didn’t know how entwined they were until her health took a downturn. He was absolutely lost without her. It was then that I knew how bad his memory really was, because she had become his memory. She told him what to wear, what and when to eat, and what to do. Without her, he couldn’t function. When she was in the hospital, he developed a blank stare and just sat. I was totally taken aback. How could I have been so blind to what was happening? It was because they were one. Like the winning team in a 3-legged race, they were totally in step.

It takes a long time to get to that place and we are moving in the right direction. Not there yet, not by a long shot but it’s beginning to happen. So, I chose the weekend with him, because he’s my partner in the 3-legged race of life.

Stay tuned…